Waiting for Morning
Waiting for Morning
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Recent Posts
New Year Resolution - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jan 12, 2009, 5:08 pm
The holidays were not as difficult for me as I thought they were going to be. I had hard days, sure. But over all, the holidays were a pleasant time for me. Now that the holidays have passed I feel like I've been blindsided yet again by my grief. I walked around for the first week of the new year in a fog. I felt exhausted. I could not get anything done. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight. I cried on and off throughout the day, especially in the shower. The shower has always been my secret cry
*My Anniversary - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jan 22, 2009, 4:31 pm
Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. When I was pregnant with Aubrey and Ellie I would tell my husband that we must be crazy having three kids under the age of three before our fourth wedding anniversary. Life was just flying by. Our son was two and finally sleeping well at night. We bought our first house. We had two eight month long deployments behind us. And we had twins on the way. It had been an unexpected wild ride but it was full of blessings.But then two of our blessings were taken aw
The Only One? - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jan 27, 2009, 11:45 pm
I feel alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one that still misses my girls. I wonder if anyone else sees their little faces in their mind? Or wakes up in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep and cries quietly for them? Does anyone else imagine how old they would be now or what they might look like? Or ever mention them in conversation? Am I the only one?I think day and night about my girls. Our family feels so incomplete. My arms are empty. The house is too quiet. I live with a cons
The Same But Different - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 10, 2009, 7:38 pm
I wrote recently that I never got the chance to look into Ellies' eyes. But it dawned on me today that I did get to look into Aubrey's eyes and although Ellie and Aubrey are two different people, they are identical twins. Aubreys' eyes are Ellies' eyes. Although I never looked into Ellie's eyes I know exactly what they would have looked like because I looked into Aubrey's eyes. God has blessed me in ways I am only beginning to realize by giving me my identical twin daughters. What I missed out w
*To My Friend - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 11, 2009, 4:24 pm
I have not been able to get my friend Chelsea off my mind today. I have known Chelsea since childhood. She lived just down the street from me. We are the same age. We became mothers at the same time. We both have three-year-old sons. She was actually at my house the night I went into labor with my son. We both got pregnant again at the same time, me just a few month behind her like before. We both gave birth in June, her to a little boy named Micah. Her son was full-term and healthy. However, ju
*Disappointed - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 21, 2009, 7:43 pm
If I could describe how I feel these days in one word it would be DISAPPOINTED. I have gone through a spectrum of emotions since my girls died, but disappointment seems to be the most intense so far. I just can't seem to shake the very real feeling that God let me down.I have been struggling for months, emotionally wrestling with being honest with God about just how disappointed I really feel. I feel ashamed of being so disappointed. After all, He is the God of the universe, creator of the heave
*Flowers - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 28, 2009, 12:24 am
I made a promise to myself that I would keep a fresh bouquet of flowers in the house at all times in memory of Aubrey and Ellie until their first birthday. And so far I have done just that. Once a week or so I pick out a bunch of flowers for Aubrey and a different kind for Ellie. They each get their own kind of flower to represent their individuality, but I put them in the same vase so that they can be together. This week I have a cluster of Gerber daisies in a giant pink vase. Light pink ones f
*Responsibility - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 5, 2009, 4:49 pm
I wrote the following recently in a letter to a friend..."It is strange because I understand in my mind that it isn't my fault, but in my heart, where I am still sad, I feel fear. I wonder "what if?" What if it was my fault some how? What if I didn't protect my girls? I think it will just take time to work through. I think it is what all mothers feel when something bad happens to their children, when they suffer in any way, and especially when they die...we feel responsible. I feel responsible.
*Crying - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 6, 2009, 11:50 am
I am sitting here crying. My computer is on my lap, a cup of tea to my side, and tears streaming down my face. I get like this sometimes. I just can't hold back the tears. When I have days like this I feel like I am not just crying for my girls, but about everything sad in my life. Every disappointment, every loss, every regret, every mistake...it all seems to be behind my tears.Life is hard right now, for many reasons. My life is very different than I ever imagined it would be. I think it has b
*My Birthday - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 14, 2009, 2:17 am
Today I turned 29. I can't believe how time has flown by. I remember when I was 16 and I thought 29 would never come. But here I am. Twenty-nine and counting. Honestly though I feel older than 29. The last year was a hard one.One year ago, in March of 2008, I found out I was pregnant. Later that same month I learned I was pregnant with twins. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine what events would transpire that year. Last birthday I had my girls. This birthday I do not. It is almos
High Chair - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 15, 2009, 8:39 pm
I was out in the garage today and I saw the baby high chair up against the wall. It made me a little sad because it shouldn't be there. I feel the same way when I go into Aubrey and Ellie's room and see their crib dismantled and shoved in the corner to make room for guests when they come and stay with us. It bothers me. I understand that since neither the crib nor the high chair is being used they should be put away for a while...but the point is they SHOULD be being used, and they are not.
*Thinking - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 25, 2009, 12:00 am
I visited a good friend today. I met her in my Griefshare class and we have since developed a friendship. We were talking while our kids played and she mentioned that she was thinking of me the other day. She overheard a conversation about how difficult it is to care for handicapped and mentally incapacitated children and couldn't help but think how different my life would be if I were caring for two severely mentally and physically handicapped babies right now. That maybe God spared us and them
*Lying - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 31, 2009, 10:31 pm
I told a lie today. Some college kids came to my front door this afternoon while my son was napping trying to raise money by selling books. At first they tried to sell me a cook book but Lord knows I have enough of those. I, of course, was friendly to them and made small talk. People don't go door to door very often anymore and I was curious about what they were up to. We chatted and they asked me a bunch of questions like how long have I been married and how long have I lived here? And then the
Baby Things - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 6, 2009, 6:58 pm
I miss my babies. I was in their room today sorting through all the baby things they will never use. Receiving blankets, little toys, sleep sacks, even the infant bathtub. Everything has tears on it now.I really want to have another baby. But I am scared. I can't imagine losing another child. And I know that Aubrey and Ellie could never be replaced. But I love being a mom and I miss having a little baby. My son is so old now. He is a little boy, not a baby anymore. I adore watching him grow up,
*Rescue Me - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 12, 2009, 12:37 am
I still go to bed at night and hope that when I wake up in the morning I will find that all this has been a dream. And each morning when I wake up and see that it has not been a dream I feel sad all over again. I want so badly for my girls to simply reappear to me. To wake up one morning and find them in my arms and start this journey all over again how it was meant to be and not how it is. I hate how it is. And it is hard to accept that it will never be different.The past few months have been r
*Not alone - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 21, 2009, 1:20 pm
This journey is a lonely one. It just is. Even when I am not alone I struggle with feeling isolated in my pain, untouchable almost, impossible to relate to. I am not the same woman I was before my daughters' deaths. And my perspective on life has drastically changed. The death of my girls was a paradigm shift of indescribable magnitude. How do I navigate this new terrain? When I feel that I have lost my barrings I can only pray for Christ to show me the way.And He does.I can't even count the hou
Names in the Sand - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 21, 2009, 6:17 pm
These are almost as beautiful as my girls. We love and miss you sweet girls.
*Beach Day - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 29, 2009, 11:47 am
I took my son to the beach for a play date last week with other moms from my church and their kids. It was nice to get out of the house. I enjoyed getting a little sun and my son enjoyed playing with every toy on the beach. He doesn't really understand yet that not everything he sees is for him to "borrow." I love his innocence. And his boldness. He makes me laugh.I have to keep a close eye on my son because he wanders. He lives in the world of a child, as he should. And as my husband points out
*Grasping at Straws - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 29, 2009, 12:48 pm
There was actually a point in time that I thought getting a puppy might make me feel better. Then there was the time I begged my husband for a vacation. If I could just get away for a while, have a change of scenery, I know I wouldn't feel so sad. I have tried buying furniture, cutting my hair off, eating chocolate, drinking tea, and running a half marathon. I even contemplated leaving my marriage and getting an entirely new life. After all, if my husband was a better husband I wouldn't hurt so
Mother's Day - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 10, 2009, 5:51 pm
Today is Mother's Day.I don't even know what to write. I had a few messages left on my voicemail today from people who love me, checking to see how I am holding up today, because they sense that maybe today might be a hard day for me. And they are right. It is. How could it not be?I made myself a cup of tea and grabbed my computer. Here I sit ready to decompress. A paragraph in I am already crying. My husband commented that I usually wait until half way through to cry. I just need to get it all
*Laughing and Crying - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 12, 2009, 1:02 am
I used to laugh a lot. My family has teased me for years about my ability to crack myself up. I used to laugh out loud at, well, almost everything. And it wasn't just a little giggle here or there but that kind of laugh that came straight from my belly. It didn't matter if I was the only one laughing, or if what I was laughing about was in my own head, I laughed anyway, freely and often. If it was funny I laughed. It was who I was then.When Aubrey and Ellie died I lost my laugh. I lost my s
Tulips - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 27, 2009, 7:19 pm
I love tulips. They are my favorite flower. They are beautiful in a simple yet bold way. Simple green stem, bold colored petals, not too frilly, just lovely. But what I love most about them is that even after they are cut they keep growing. It is miraculous really. And they always grow toward the light.My husband bought me some tulips a few weeks ago. Two huge bunches. Beautiful, bold, lovely, hot pink tulips. He knows how much I love them. They sat on my mantel in a vase for a week, growing eac
Turning A Corner - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 9, 2009, 8:02 pm
Last week I had a strange, dull headache around my eyes. It was annoying, but I didn't let it get in my way as I went on with day. But every once in a while I would think to myself what a odd headache. I wonder what is causing it? I figured it would eventually go away, but it didn't.As I climbed in bed that night I felt the tears creep up on me. As I let them slip out my headache instantly went away! I didn't realize it, but trying not to cry all day long had caused my headache. The constant ten
Compromising - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 10, 2009, 6:43 pm
This post is for Deana...she helped me put these thoughts into words.I feel like I am battling again. But this time it is different. Instead of fighting the pain, I am fighting the joy. I can't seem to solve a crucial dilemma within my heart...let me see if I can explain.A miracle has happened. Something I honestly never thought could happen. I am healing. The morning I have been waiting for is rising in the east. There has been a transformation within my very soul. Where there was only pain, re
IMPORTANT CHANGE - Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 13, 2009, 10:29 pm
To all of you that read my blog,I have changed the address of this blog to:www.aubreyandellie.blogspot.comThis new address feels more appropriate to me.The blog is the same, only the address has changed.If you are one of my "official" followers, please register again at the new blog spot.I would hate to lose you.Thank you for your prayers and support this past year.I would be honored to walk with you again through this next year.With love,Rachel
Popular Posts
Mother's Day (1 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 10, 2009, 5:51 pm
Today is Mother's Day.I don't even know what to write. I had a few messages left on my voicemail today from people who love me, checking to see how I am holding up today, because they sense that maybe today might be a hard day for me. And they are right. It is. How could it not be?I made myself a cup of tea and grabbed my computer. Here I sit ready to decompress. A paragraph in I am already crying. My husband commented that I usually wait until half way through to cry. I just need to get it all
*Laughing and Crying (1 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 12, 2009, 1:02 am
I used to laugh a lot. My family has teased me for years about my ability to crack myself up. I used to laugh out loud at, well, almost everything. And it wasn't just a little giggle here or there but that kind of laugh that came straight from my belly. It didn't matter if I was the only one laughing, or if what I was laughing about was in my own head, I laughed anyway, freely and often. If it was funny I laughed. It was who I was then.When Aubrey and Ellie died I lost my laugh. I lost my s
*Responsibility (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 5, 2009, 4:49 pm
I wrote the following recently in a letter to a friend..."It is strange because I understand in my mind that it isn't my fault, but in my heart, where I am still sad, I feel fear. I wonder "what if?" What if it was my fault some how? What if I didn't protect my girls? I think it will just take time to work through. I think it is what all mothers feel when something bad happens to their children, when they suffer in any way, and especially when they die...we feel responsible. I feel responsible.
Tulips (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog May 27, 2009, 7:19 pm
I love tulips. They are my favorite flower. They are beautiful in a simple yet bold way. Simple green stem, bold colored petals, not too frilly, just lovely. But what I love most about them is that even after they are cut they keep growing. It is miraculous really. And they always grow toward the light.My husband bought me some tulips a few weeks ago. Two huge bunches. Beautiful, bold, lovely, hot pink tulips. He knows how much I love them. They sat on my mantel in a vase for a week, growing eac
*To My Friend (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 11, 2009, 4:24 pm
I have not been able to get my friend Chelsea off my mind today. I have known Chelsea since childhood. She lived just down the street from me. We are the same age. We became mothers at the same time. We both have three-year-old sons. She was actually at my house the night I went into labor with my son. We both got pregnant again at the same time, me just a few month behind her like before. We both gave birth in June, her to a little boy named Micah. Her son was full-term and healthy. However, ju
*Flowers (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 28, 2009, 12:24 am
I made a promise to myself that I would keep a fresh bouquet of flowers in the house at all times in memory of Aubrey and Ellie until their first birthday. And so far I have done just that. Once a week or so I pick out a bunch of flowers for Aubrey and a different kind for Ellie. They each get their own kind of flower to represent their individuality, but I put them in the same vase so that they can be together. This week I have a cluster of Gerber daisies in a giant pink vase. Light pink ones f
*Disappointed (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 21, 2009, 7:43 pm
If I could describe how I feel these days in one word it would be DISAPPOINTED. I have gone through a spectrum of emotions since my girls died, but disappointment seems to be the most intense so far. I just can't seem to shake the very real feeling that God let me down.I have been struggling for months, emotionally wrestling with being honest with God about just how disappointed I really feel. I feel ashamed of being so disappointed. After all, He is the God of the universe, creator of the heave
Names in the Sand (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 21, 2009, 6:17 pm
These are almost as beautiful as my girls. We love and miss you sweet girls.
*My Anniversary (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jan 22, 2009, 4:31 pm
Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. When I was pregnant with Aubrey and Ellie I would tell my husband that we must be crazy having three kids under the age of three before our fourth wedding anniversary. Life was just flying by. Our son was two and finally sleeping well at night. We bought our first house. We had two eight month long deployments behind us. And we had twins on the way. It had been an unexpected wild ride but it was full of blessings.But then two of our blessings were taken aw
New Year Resolution (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jan 12, 2009, 5:08 pm
The holidays were not as difficult for me as I thought they were going to be. I had hard days, sure. But over all, the holidays were a pleasant time for me. Now that the holidays have passed I feel like I've been blindsided yet again by my grief. I walked around for the first week of the new year in a fog. I felt exhausted. I could not get anything done. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight. I cried on and off throughout the day, especially in the shower. The shower has always been my secret cry
*Grasping at Straws (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 29, 2009, 12:48 pm
There was actually a point in time that I thought getting a puppy might make me feel better. Then there was the time I begged my husband for a vacation. If I could just get away for a while, have a change of scenery, I know I wouldn't feel so sad. I have tried buying furniture, cutting my hair off, eating chocolate, drinking tea, and running a half marathon. I even contemplated leaving my marriage and getting an entirely new life. After all, if my husband was a better husband I wouldn't hurt so
Turning A Corner (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 9, 2009, 8:02 pm
Last week I had a strange, dull headache around my eyes. It was annoying, but I didn't let it get in my way as I went on with day. But every once in a while I would think to myself what a odd headache. I wonder what is causing it? I figured it would eventually go away, but it didn't.As I climbed in bed that night I felt the tears creep up on me. As I let them slip out my headache instantly went away! I didn't realize it, but trying not to cry all day long had caused my headache. The constant ten
*Lying (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 31, 2009, 10:31 pm
I told a lie today. Some college kids came to my front door this afternoon while my son was napping trying to raise money by selling books. At first they tried to sell me a cook book but Lord knows I have enough of those. I, of course, was friendly to them and made small talk. People don't go door to door very often anymore and I was curious about what they were up to. We chatted and they asked me a bunch of questions like how long have I been married and how long have I lived here? And then the
The Same But Different (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Feb 10, 2009, 7:38 pm
I wrote recently that I never got the chance to look into Ellies' eyes. But it dawned on me today that I did get to look into Aubrey's eyes and although Ellie and Aubrey are two different people, they are identical twins. Aubreys' eyes are Ellies' eyes. Although I never looked into Ellie's eyes I know exactly what they would have looked like because I looked into Aubrey's eyes. God has blessed me in ways I am only beginning to realize by giving me my identical twin daughters. What I missed out w
Compromising (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 10, 2009, 6:43 pm
This post is for Deana...she helped me put these thoughts into words.I feel like I am battling again. But this time it is different. Instead of fighting the pain, I am fighting the joy. I can't seem to solve a crucial dilemma within my heart...let me see if I can explain.A miracle has happened. Something I honestly never thought could happen. I am healing. The morning I have been waiting for is rising in the east. There has been a transformation within my very soul. Where there was only pain, re
IMPORTANT CHANGE (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Jun 13, 2009, 10:29 pm
To all of you that read my blog,I have changed the address of this blog to:www.aubreyandellie.blogspot.comThis new address feels more appropriate to me.The blog is the same, only the address has changed.If you are one of my "official" followers, please register again at the new blog spot.I would hate to lose you.Thank you for your prayers and support this past year.I would be honored to walk with you again through this next year.With love,Rachel
*Not alone (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 21, 2009, 1:20 pm
This journey is a lonely one. It just is. Even when I am not alone I struggle with feeling isolated in my pain, untouchable almost, impossible to relate to. I am not the same woman I was before my daughters' deaths. And my perspective on life has drastically changed. The death of my girls was a paradigm shift of indescribable magnitude. How do I navigate this new terrain? When I feel that I have lost my barrings I can only pray for Christ to show me the way.And He does.I can't even count the hou
*Crying (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Mar 6, 2009, 11:50 am
I am sitting here crying. My computer is on my lap, a cup of tea to my side, and tears streaming down my face. I get like this sometimes. I just can't hold back the tears. When I have days like this I feel like I am not just crying for my girls, but about everything sad in my life. Every disappointment, every loss, every regret, every mistake...it all seems to be behind my tears.Life is hard right now, for many reasons. My life is very different than I ever imagined it would be. I think it has b
*Rescue Me (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 12, 2009, 12:37 am
I still go to bed at night and hope that when I wake up in the morning I will find that all this has been a dream. And each morning when I wake up and see that it has not been a dream I feel sad all over again. I want so badly for my girls to simply reappear to me. To wake up one morning and find them in my arms and start this journey all over again how it was meant to be and not how it is. I hate how it is. And it is hard to accept that it will never be different.The past few months have been r
*Beach Day (0 hits)- Waiting for Morning-Old Blog Apr 29, 2009, 11:47 am
I took my son to the beach for a play date last week with other moms from my church and their kids. It was nice to get out of the house. I enjoyed getting a little sun and my son enjoyed playing with every toy on the beach. He doesn't really understand yet that not everything he sees is for him to "borrow." I love his innocence. And his boldness. He makes me laugh.I have to keep a close eye on my son because he wanders. He lives in the world of a child, as he should. And as my husband points out
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